i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
