I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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