I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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