he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
