I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
please don't ironically join a cult
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