His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
