I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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