so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I need to stop coming to work sober
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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