hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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