The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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