i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
