Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
