Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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