i think my mom watched the whole time
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
