She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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