Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
