I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
