I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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