Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Operation Purity has been aborted
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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