I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
