I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you have to choose: penises or morals?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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