i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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