The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
