I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
there's paper in my vomit.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We have started to decorate penises.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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