Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
...so i touched it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
