Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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