I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
