Im at strip club and am horny
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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