I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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