i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
