Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
