I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Liz is crying about burritos again.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
