I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
