oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Help. Why am I so naked?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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