Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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