i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
