I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
