I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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