Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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