nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize