So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
