if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
