I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
