Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
PANTIES FOUND
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