when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
