How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
