New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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