Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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