He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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