I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
