I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
