Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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