Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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