laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize