I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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