i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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