I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
