I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
