I think I died a long time ago.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
