Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize