I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
